In a previous post, I opened up about my own struggles with test anxiety. I also explained how test anxiety, and performance anxiety in general, is not uncommon. It is especially prevalent among gifted students and autistic students. Even if your child is not identified as gifted or autistic, however, doesn’t mean they may not struggle with performance anxiety. As a matter of fact, anxiety among children and teenagers are on the rise. We could argue all day long over why this is, but the most important question for a parent is this: How do I help my child cope? Performance anxiety affects children in many ways, not just with testing. There are times it can cause your child to freeze or fall apart, even when simply finishing an assignment. I know this from personal experience because my daughter struggles with this. I’m not always perfect in handling it, but I have learned a few tricks along the way. The encouraging thing is that it is much easier to help a child like this when they are learning at home. Tip #1: Stay calm. Easier said than done, because when a child is refusing to even try an assignment, it can test your patience tremendously. I want to pause here and explain something extremely important: Freezing and feeling unable to even begin an assignment is completely different than a defiant child who is simply refusing to do what you ask. Only you, the parent, can discern the fine line that separates the two. It does take patience, however, so pause for a moment to think everything through. If you need to, leave the room for a moment to say a quick prayer for guidance. The most important thing is that you avoid yelling or saying something in frustration. Stern commands tend to backfire with anxious kids. They will only shut down even more. Tip #2: Break tasks down into smaller parts. Haley was recently having an extremely difficult time with her math lesson tests. Because it’s a test, I would give it to her, then leave the room. The problem was, I would return maybe fifteen or twenty minutes later to check on her, and she would still be sitting there with a blank test and her head down in defeat. It would literally take her all day to take a test with only 15-20 problems. We tried just about everything to help her. We reviewed the day before by going over every single type of problem she would see on the test (which she would do with flying colors). I let her do problems on our white board if she wanted to. We prayed. We did breathing exercises. We shook the glitter jar. Nothing helped. However, I still needed to be sure she could do the math we were learning on her own. One test day, I knew we couldn’t afford to do nothing but her math test. So, I made a deal with her: do problem number one, then we’ll take a break and read a chapter from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. She happily did the first problem. Then I said, “do problem number two, and then you can color your handwriting sheet.” She happily did the second problem. We continued that way the rest of the day, and she got a 93% on her test! It was the first time she had even passed, much less gotten a good grade. I know what you’re thinking because it crossed my mind too: “But they won’t be allowed to take tests that way in college!” Then I remembered: she’s only ten. We won’t take tests this way forever, but for now, it’s what she needs. As homeschool moms we do need to have long-term goals. However, we have to be realistic in how we get there. We must be patient with our kids on their unique journey towards independence and adulthood. Tip #3: Try a different format. If your child is frozen before a blank sheet of paper, let them do the assignment on a white board or chalk board instead. You can also do an assignment orally if needed. Always ask yourself: what is the point of this assignment? If, for example, the point is to make sure your student knows what medieval monasteries were like, they don’t necessarily have to write down answers on a sheet of paper. Instead, they can tell you about monasteries, draw and label a monastery, or act out a monastery with their stuffed animals. Just changing things up a bit can break them out of their anxiety. Tip #4: Emphasize that your love for them is not attached to performance. You may have to express this a million times before it sinks in, but keep saying it. Say it in a way a kid will understand, too. I always say this to my kids: “You can never do anything that will make me stop loving you.” I will also ask them when they freeze over an assignment: “If you fail, will I stop loving you?” By this point, they know the answer is “no.” Don’t ask it, however, until you’re certain they know the answer! And back the sentiment up with action. Never punish a child for a bad grade if you know they tried their best. When they do fail (because we all do at some point), find things in the assignment that they did well and praise them for it. Approach failure as a learning experience: “Okay, you missed these words on your spelling test, now we know to practice them next week!” Instead of, “How could you miss these words? You know this!” See the difference? Tip #5: Make them laugh. I confess, my husband is better at this than I am. As a matter of fact, if he’s home, I’ll sometimes ask him to take over. (This also gives me a breather if I feel myself getting frustrated.) Sometimes he’ll do a worst case scenario bit. He’ll ask them, “So what happens if you get all your spelling words wrong?” They’ll answer with something like, “I fail the test.” My husband will nod and then say something like, “Oh, so then the house turns into a giant pickle?” Of course, they giggle and say “no, Daddy!” Then he’ll say, “Oh, so YOU will turn into a giant pickle, is that it?” By then, they are giggling even more, and he can get them to start the test or whatever other assignment they have frozen over. Yes, it’s ridiculous, but it works. Other times I offer ridiculous answers when my kids refuse to give me one. Like this: “What’s 56 divided by 7?” *Silence* “Oh, did you say 5 million? Okay, let’s try that.” Usually, they laugh (or groan and roll their eyes) and say, “No, Mommy, it’s 8!” Tip #6: Teach them a breathing exercise. We’ve probably all heard this, but it really can help. Just have them take a deep breath in, then slowly let it out to the count of ten. Make sure they don’t take too many deep breaths in without the rest in between, however, or you can actually make it worse. Here’s a good video on how to do breathing exercises with kids: Tip #7: Give them a glitter jar. It’s amazing how much this helps my daughter. She shakes the jar, and watches the pieces of glitter fall in the water. Doing so calms her (and me!) down. It’s really easy to make one. All you need is an old jar (like a spaghetti sauce jar), glue, glitter, and water. You can find instructions HERE. Tip #8: Pray together. Yes, I’ve saved the best for last. However, it isn’t a simple fix. Some people over-simplify anxiety by saying, “just pray!” I’m not saying prayer isn’t powerful - it absolutely is, but prayer is also something that changes us slowly over time. The transformation that God achieves in our lives is so powerful, that it takes a lifetime. Just think about your own struggles. We’ll just take a common mom struggle as an example: worry. Did you just say one prayer asking God that you wouldn’t worry, and - boom! - you never worried again? Of course not! The Lord probably worked on you over the course of months and years. He showed you His words in scripture and opened up the truth of them to you. He sent you other women of God to encourage you in your journey. He met you in times of worship. He came through again and again with his provision, proving to you that He would always come through. You probably still need reminders from Him not to worry. So why do we expect to say a prayer and suddenly our kids won’t be anxious? Walking in victory is a process for us, and we need to be patient as that process happens in our kids. So yes, absolutely pray together (preferably out loud), but then also practice the other tips above. I hope this list of tips helps you with your anxious child. I’m praying for you! Anxiety can leave even an adult frozen in her tracks. However, there is always hope! You were equipped by God to walk through difficulties like this with your child. He didn’t make a mistake when he made me Haley’s mom, and he didn’t make a mistake with you, either. Blessings to you, Mama!
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AuthorHi, I'm Melanie! I'm a homeschooling mom of three kids ages 13, 11, and 9. I have a BS in English Secondary Education from Asbury University plus 30 hours of gifted certification course work. I've taught in just about every situation you can imagine. Public school, private, homeschool hybrid, and private tutoring. The most important thing I've learned? One on one, individualized instruction can't be beat. Archives
July 2022
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