What I've Learned About Chores

               I’ll never forget when Luke was about five years old, and I had tumbled headlong into the Mommy Blogs. I read fellow moms and their beautiful blogs telling me everything from their foolproof method to potty train an eighteen-month-old in one weekend to the “right” way to let boys play with toy guns. I’m not making this up – those are both real blog posts I read.
               According to these Mommy Bloggers, I was woefully behind in teaching Luke how to do chores.
Apparently, these moms had four-year-olds who were scrubbing toilets, folding laundry, washing windows, and making their own sandwiches. I felt like a failure because Luke only had two chores at that time: picking up his toys (sometimes) and scooping doggy kibble into the dog dish. Not to mention there was a trail of dog kibble from the laundry room to the dog dish every single time, and Luke couldn’t maneuver the broom to sweep it up. (The Mommy bloggers’ kids were sweeping too.) Thankfully, the dog trailed behind him and gobbled up his mess.
               Inspired by these blogs, I decided I was going to teach Luke to do more chores. I bought a pack of disposable toilet scrubbers that you stuck on the end of a wand. How hard could it be? I sat him next to me as I folded clothes and showed him how to do it. I pulled a chair up to the counter and handed him a blunt, plastic knife to spread the peanut butter.
               In short, all of it was a disaster. After weeks of frustration and tears, we went back to just picking up his toys and feeding the dog.
               Now that Luke is about to turn fifteen, I want to share with you what I have learned about kids and chores. I also want to share where my kids are now (Haley is 12 and Ian is 10), so you can have hope.

#1 In the beginning, kids doing chores will take more time.
         The Mommy bloggers I mentioned above told me over and over again that if my kids helped me with chores, my house would be cleaner, we would have more time, and we would all be happier. This was never how it played out for me, however.
           First of all, you can’t expect your child to just do the chore. You have to teach them how. This, obviously, takes more time than just doing it yourself. Then once you teach them, it’s still probably going to take them longer than it would take you. So just get it out of your head that this will save you time.
              My mindset changed when I heard a teaching from Focus on the Family about the difference between immaturity and defiance. Sometimes we punish kids for being immature. Kids drop things, make messes, and are just more awkward in general than we are. A floor mopped by you will be cleaner than a floor mopped by your eight-your-old. Not because they’re being lazy, but because they’re eight! The point of teaching kids chores is not to make our lives easier. The point is to teach them skills for life and the importance of pitching in and working together as a family. When I made this my goal, I was far more patient with my children.
 
#2 Every kid is different
               Just because someone else’s five-year-old makes their own lunch then sweeps up their mess afterwards doesn’t mean your five-year-old is ready for that responsibility. It also doesn’t mean you are failing as a mom if your child can’t master a chore you’ve tried to teach them.
               I realized this with Luke. No matter how many times I showed him how to fold a shirt, his ended up a wrinkled ball. Now, some people would just happily let their kids shove wadded up shirts into the drawer. We were low on space, however, so this wasn’t an option for us. If the shirts weren’t folded properly, I couldn’t fit them all in the drawer and the drawer wouldn’t shut. I finally gave up and went back to folding his clothes myself.
               Was Luke being lazy? No! He was actually delayed in his fine motor skills. At that time, I was doing all sorts of PT exercises with him: threading dry noodles through the holes of a colander, lining up pieces of cereal on a popsicle stick, and picking up pom poms with tweezers. I had delayed teaching him to write, knowing he wasn’t ready. So why in the world was I expecting him to fold laundry or spread peanut butter on a piece of bread? It wasn’t a fair expectation.
               While it’s true that sometimes kids are capable of more than we realize, it’s also true that we sometimes expect too much. Stop and think about your child, his developmental level, and his strengths and weaknesses. Ditch the recommended chore charts you’ve seen online and trust your mom gut. What matters is teaching your child to pitch in, not what specific chores they are doing at what age.

#3 Your child won’t do chores the same way you would.
               Ian recently came to me and excitedly said, “Come see what I did!” I followed him to the kitchen of the house we just moved into, and he opened the door to our brand-new pantry with pride. “I organized it!” he told me.
               When I looked inside, the pantry was neat and tidy. However, while I prefer to line boxes up with the sides showing, Ian had lined them up with the front of the boxes facing forward. I realized, though, that it didn’t matter. The pantry was organized, and Ian had taken initiative, doing a chore he saw needed to be done without being asked. Not to mention my love language is acts of service! I hugged Ian, raved about his work, and kissed him on the cheek.
               When our kids don’t do a chore the way we like it to be done, we should always pause and ask ourselves an important question: “Is my way necessary or is it just a preference?” If it’s a preference, we should bite our tongues and praise our children for their work. Which brings me to . . .

#4 Teach the proper way but have realistic expectations.
               There’s absolutely nothing wrong with teaching our kids the correct way to do things. They need to know the proper settings for different loads in the washing machine. There are tips for sweeping that can make the chore more efficient. Some things can be cleaned with a Clorox wipe, some things will be ruined by that same wipe. However, we need to be really careful in how we instruct our children. We should never scold them for something they didn’t know, and our tone is extremely important. We also don’t want to pile on the criticism, or they will be discouraged and start to feel like they can never please us. I try not to give my kids more than one tip for improvement at a time, and I always praise them for their efforts. When I’ve snapped at them, especially for something they didn’t know, I have always apologized.

#5 Should you pay your kids for chores?
               This is one issue that many people disagree on, and I don’t think there is a clear black and white answer. On the one hand, people say that kids should learn that chores are something that we all have to do, so they shouldn’t get paid. Other people say that payment for chores teaches money management and ties work ethic to monetary reward. I can see both sides. Therefore, what we’ve come to in our home through much trial and error is that our kids don’t get paid for their regular chores. If they do extra chores, however, they get paid. Luke gets paid for yard work, Haley has gotten paid for scrubbing baseboards, and Ian recently made three dollars deep cleaning the trash can. Our kids also don’t get an “allowance,” they only get paid for actual work.  
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So where are my kids now?
               You’ve probably noticed just from reading this that we’ve come a long way from frustration and tears over folding laundry. As a matter of fact, all of my kids not only put away their own laundry, they know how to DO their laundry. They all know how to do dishes, scrub the toilet, and sweep. Luke knows not only how to make a peanut butter sandwich, but he also can cook a few simple meals. However, it didn’t happen overnight. Slowly, over the course of years, I added responsibilities, choosing tasks I knew they were capable of. Then I taught them, slowly, and with lots of mistakes, how to do those chores. My kids, even now, are immature at times. They still make messes, they can be lazy, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t nag sometimes. But I’m teaching them how to pitch in and work hard, and I know now that it’s a slow process.
              Just this weekend, my husband and I were awakened by the sound of a lawn mower. A big grin spread across my husband’s face despite the noise before 7 am. “I’m so proud of that boy,” he said. I wish I could go back ten years ago and encourage that worried mom that Luke wasn’t “behind” after all. I wish I could tell her that she was doing just fine. Since I can’t, I’m telling you.

             You’re doing just fine, Mama!

​             Much love, Melanie.